Exit 151 or 161 Montclair/Paramus Jesus

OK. I’ve given up on the Family Christian Bookstore. From here on, it’s Urban Outfitters to get my Jesus-fix. And lucky me, here in North Jersey I can chose locations: Paramus or Montclair (though the Montclair location has far more Jesus-stuff).

While the Family Christian Bookstore stocks WWJD bracelets and bumper stickers which leaves the ultimate question unanswered, over at UO, the Answer Me Jesus takes out all the guesswork. It’s the same principle as the on the old Magic 8 Ball concept…. you think of a question, turn it over and an answer appears in some mysterious blue liquid in triangle form.

An inscription on the box read: Not intended for use by the closed-minded.

I couldn’t resist. I have an open-mind and I do have questions for Jesus and hey, why wait until the BIG DAY when I could get immediate gratification? Well I have to admit, I really didn’t have a question but I turned the pink statue over anyway and the triangle in the blue murk read, “I died for this?” And I almost died laughing.

And then I saw the warning label:

WARNING:

HOLY SPIRIT NOT INCLUDED

Mark 8:12

He sighed deeply and said, "Why does this generation ask for a miraculous sign? I tell you the truth, no sign will be given to it."

Exit 151 GSP Montclair Jesus Pt 4

Funny thing, there seems to be more Jesus products at Urban Outfitters in Montclair than at the Jesus Bookstore in Edison. Go figure. And though the Pocket Jesus retails for $6.00, it rang up 99 cents. Oh happy day.

One side of the Pocket Jesus box has a kinda cool Jesus pic looking all masculine in a stained-glass kind of way. “Put a little faith in your pocket with Jesus,” reads another side. Then I hit pay-dirt “Bonus: Inspirational Quote” and “Bonus Bumper Sticker” included. And just think, all for less than a dollar. This is better than a value meal at Mickey Ds!

Take a look at the bonus bumper sticker:

Way too cool.

This is going straight to my Jeep. And the best was the Inspirational Quote:

I am the Way, Truth and Life.

Now I don't have to look for a verse for the post!

Exit 151 GSP Montclair Jesus Pt 3

Any excuse to check out the coolness of Urban Outfitters is just fine with me, so when Pastor John e-mailed me inquiring about the Band-Aid Jesus, I just had to go there to pick him up a box. Good thing I went when I did, Band-Aid Jesus was almost sold-out!

Pastor John will be receiving the last box.

I grabbed that box and made a mad dash for the register. I was greeted by a heavily facial-pierced 20-something who tried in vain to ring it up. "Sir, I’m sorry, the register is having problems with Jesus today, the Jesus is showing an error." "That’s fine, I can wait" I said, and that’s when it caught my eye. Off in the distance I spotted a bowl filled with "Pocket Calming Buddha’s" but my Jesus-sense told me there just had to be a "Pocket Jesus" somewhere in that bowl. I lunged for the bowl and my eyes beheld one solitary, Pocket Jesus Heals. I guess the trendy people of Montclair would rather having a healing Jesus in their pocket than a calming Buddha. Well, frankly, so do I.

Back to the cashier chick: "I can’t ring the band-aids under ‘Jesus’, I can only ring it up under "the humping bunny band-aid". I can’t make this stuff up. "But I’m buying the band-aids for Pastor John," I replied. "Do you think this will be a problem?" she asked. "Nah, you know God talks much for about sex in the Bible than eternal damnation," I responded. She looked up with all her piercings and said, "Huh." "It’s all in the good book, you should read it sometime," and I left Urban Outfitters.

Matthew 22:29

Jesus replied, "You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God."

Next week: the wonders packed into the little Pocket Jesus box. Hint: Little does Urban Outfitters know - they really know how to spread The Word.

Exit 151 GSP Montclair Jesus Part 2

While contemplating the healing power of Jesus, I logged on my computer and what do you know? There’s a website: http://healingpowerofjesus.com/ One click on Jesus and instead of being healed, I was directed to provide a monetary donation. Huh?

Since it was an unseasonably beautiful February day I got up from my computer and I took a stroll over to Church Street in Montclair, walked by Christ Church and straight into Urban Outfitters. What do you know? I found the healing power of Jesus in adhesive bandages, yes indeed: the"Jesus Band-Aid"was for sale: $6.00 for a box of 15 sterile strips. Unlike the website, at least this was practical concept.

You know I just had to buy a box. And what do you know? It even came with a mini-healing Jesus - much better than anything I’ve ever got in a Cracker Jack box, by far!

So you know I did every thing to try to induce some minor bleeding just to have an excuse to use one of those strips, sick as I am. The bandage was even cooler than I envisioned. See:

But hey, Jesus didn’t need bandages with his picture on them:

And behold, a woman who had suffered from a flow of blood for twelve years came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His garment; For she kept saying to herself, If I only touch His garment, I shall be restored to health. Jesus turned around and, seeing her, He said, Take courage, daughter! Your faith has made you well. And at once the woman was restored to health. Matthew 9

Exit 151 GSP Montclair Jesus

Montclair NJ, a wonderful place to live and dine where every other home has a lawn placard for Obama-Biden.  In this ultra liberal tree-lined town, one wouldn’t expect Jesus to be a big seller on….Halloween.  Guess again. 

 A stop in the local Pharmacy on Grove Street one could find Jesus hair and beard in Grey, White and Blonde.   Take your pick.  This town does pride itself on diversity. I couldn’t figure out though why the description as a Jesus beard was only written in Spanish.  Talk about target marketing. 

 

Just when I was pleasantly surprise to find an incarnation of Jesus here (more so than in some of the local churches), a few counters away were some disturbing little Halloween statues.  Is that a little goblin trying to constrain the cross in a glass dome?   What are those skulls and why are they near a glass domed cross?  (Footnote:  it didn’t snow when I shook the globe).   I asked the sales clerk but he just shrugged his shoulders and said, “It’s Halloween, ya know.”  

Mark 15:22

They brought Jesus to the place called Golgotha (which means The Place of the Skull).