Saturday, February 28, 2009

Exit 151 GSP Montclair Jesus Pt 3

Any excuse to check out the coolness of Urban Outfitters is just fine with me, so when Pastor John e-mailed me inquiring about the Band-Aid Jesus, I just had to go there to pick him up a box. Good thing I went when I did, Band-Aid Jesus was almost sold-out!

Pastor John will be receiving the last box.

I grabbed that box and made a mad dash for the register. I was greeted by a heavily facial-pierced 20-something who tried in vain to ring it up. "Sir, I’m sorry, the register is having problems with Jesus today, the Jesus is showing an error." "That’s fine, I can wait" I said, and that’s when it caught my eye. Off in the distance I spotted a bowl filled with "Pocket Calming Buddha’s" but my Jesus-sense told me there just had to be a "Pocket Jesus" somewhere in that bowl. I lunged for the bowl and my eyes beheld one solitary, Pocket Jesus Heals. I guess the trendy people of Montclair would rather having a healing Jesus in their pocket than a calming Buddha. Well, frankly, so do I.

Back to the cashier chick: "I can’t ring the band-aids under ‘Jesus’, I can only ring it up under "the humping bunny band-aid". I can’t make this stuff up. "But I’m buying the band-aids for Pastor John," I replied. "Do you think this will be a problem?" she asked. "Nah, you know God talks much for about sex in the Bible than eternal damnation," I responded. She looked up with all her piercings and said, "Huh." "It’s all in the good book, you should read it sometime," and I left Urban Outfitters.

Matthew 22:29

Jesus replied, "You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God."

Next week: the wonders packed into the little Pocket Jesus box. Hint: Little does Urban Outfitters know - they really know how to spread The Word.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Exit 2 NJTP Elmer Jesus

Last night I watched the horror flick, Wrong Turn. It’s your typical adolescent-lost-in-the-woods-they-all-die (except for one) B movie. Today I took that wrong turn and ended up in Elmer. I came across this road sign and knew I was in trouble.

Now I’ve lived in this beloved state for almost half a century and I’ve never heard of any place called, Elmer. I did spot a diner, so I knew I was still in Jersey. [Not that I was going to stop in for a cup of Joe].

If you look up the term, "Jersey Redneck" in the Urban Dictionary, this is what you’ll find:

Jersey rednecks typically dwell in backwoods areas within Philadelphian suburbs, where there is still plenty of rural land for the blue-collar folk. Almost every Jersey redneck owns a Chevy pickup truck, which they park in their "driveway", which is not really a driveway but an area of their lawn in which grass isn't growing. Their front yards are home to various appliances and vehicles that no longer function, somehow finding their way there. The origins of their slow southern accent is mysterious, though speculation reveals that it is probably from listening to too much Lynyrd Skynyrd. No one thought hicks lived so far north until the Jersey redneck was discovered.

The Urban Dictionary ends with these ominous words, "There are more Jersey Rednecks than you once believed!" I’m thinking, "Help me Jesus."

Then to my surprise, there he was, well, sort of. It wasn’t a Chevy pickup but it had Redneck written all over it. But at least the vehicle owners sure loved Jesus – even if they had a strange way of showing it.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. Elmer Diner Photo Credit

Friday, February 13, 2009

Exit 151 GSP Montclair Jesus Part 2

While contemplating the healing power of Jesus, I logged on my computer and what do you know? There’s a website: One click on Jesus and instead of being healed, I was directed to provide a monetary donation. Huh?

Since it was an unseasonably beautiful February day I got up from my computer and I took a stroll over to Church Street in Montclair, walked by Christ Church and straight into Urban Outfitters. What do you know? I found the healing power of Jesus in adhesive bandages, yes indeed: the"Jesus Band-Aid"was for sale: $6.00 for a box of 15 sterile strips. Unlike the website, at least this was practical concept.

You know I just had to buy a box. And what do you know? It even came with a mini-healing Jesus - much better than anything I’ve ever got in a Cracker Jack box, by far!

So you know I did every thing to try to induce some minor bleeding just to have an excuse to use one of those strips, sick as I am. The bandage was even cooler than I envisioned. See:

But hey, Jesus didn’t need bandages with his picture on them:

And behold, a woman who had suffered from a flow of blood for twelve years came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His garment; For she kept saying to herself, If I only touch His garment, I shall be restored to health. Jesus turned around and, seeing her, He said, Take courage, daughter! Your faith has made you well. And at once the woman was restored to health. Matthew 9

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Was Exit 16W, Now Exit 15 E Jesus

Ah, leave it to a Christian sportswear company to rank on our beloved Jersey Devils. The Christian Throwback Jersey (Company) proclaims they are a proud sponsor of Jesus Christ – as opposed to New Jersey who sponsors Satan.

Sooo, CTJ couldn’t just sit back and watch those boys from Jersey in their Devil uniforms maneuver on and off the ice; they just had to make their own - more "Christian" hockey jersey.

And yes, that’s John 3:16 on the back.

Not to throw a wrench in anyone’s marketing plans, but as anyone from Jersey knows, the Devil on our jerseys does not refer to Satan himself, but to the Jersey Devil of the Jersey Pine Barrens, the official demon of NJ since 1933. (Yeah, yeah, other states have Official State flowers and birds, we do have a demon).

While I don’t think there will be a change in team jerseys any time soon, I think we can all agree on one thing with the TCTJ:

Acts 2:21
And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.